David J. Pollay's Blog

Speak Someone’s Language and Watch Them Grow ©

When I was in college my roommates and I decided that we needed plants to liven up our dorm suite.  So we walked to the local grocery store and went shopping.  We had two criteria:  The plants needed to look healthy, and each one had to be of a different variety.

We bought four plants and brought them home.  We put them around the suite, and then we watered them.  We decided that we would use the same size mug each time to give them their water; we wanted to get it right each time. 

Two days later we watered the plants again.  We were proud that we remembered.  But shortly afterwards three of the four plants looked a little droopy.  So we grabbed the mug and watered them all again.

Another day passed and the same three were drooping even farther, so we watered them again.  And the next day, the three plants looked even worse.  The fourth plant was doing fine; it looked as good as it did in the store.

Now we weren’t botanists, but we knew that all the plants needed water.  And the fourth plant was evidence of this; it was doing great.  But somehow the others were not fairing so well.  And then we figured it out; we knew what the problem was.  The other three plants needed even more water!  So we gave each plant a double dose of water.

And what happened to our plants?  One of the plants was as healthy as ever.  The other three plants looked in terrible shape when one of our friends visited and said, “You’re giving them too much water.”  We all said defensively in a loud chorus, “What!  All plants need water.”  And she said, “Yes, but in different amounts.  One way to know is to touch the soil.  If the soil is dry, the plant needs water.  If the soil is wet, the plant has plenty of water.”

Here’s the translation of this story to Corporate America.  We were acting like a typical manager.  We were treating our employees the same, no matter the result.  We knew how to do one thing and we poured it on when it wasn’t working.  Most managers think and do the same thing.

Managers forget that we all want people to “understand” us.  We want people to know the “real” us.  We work harder for managers who treat us as individuals and help us to be our best selves.

A number of years ago I was in a meeting with senior leaders discussing the importance of recognizing employees when they do good work.  And this is what one leader said, “I rarely give out recognition; I believe my employees work harder when I keep my positive feedback in short supply.”

Was his strategy effective?  Yes, but with only one person.  The rest of his team had individual preferences for when and how they liked to be recognized.  He wasn’t reaching the rest of his team.  But he had a deep-set belief that everyone should get the same pint-sized ration of feedback.  He eventually left the company.

You will do best when you take the time to know what brings out the strengths of your employees.  How do you know what they need?  The answer is simple.  Touch them through your questions, your interest, and your support.  They’ll tell you what they need.  So go ahead and put your same size mug of water away.

Give employees what they need to succeed.  Speak their language and watch them grow.

Monday Morning Momentum™ - Your “To Thank” List ©

Monday, May 26, 2008
Click here for an introduction to Monday Morning Momentum™.

Your “To Thank” List ã

The most common list people carry with them every day is a “to do” list.  It tells them how they will spend their time, and what they must accomplish.  In some ways you could also view a “to do” list as a scorecard:  Your success is determined by how many of the items you get through.

A New List:  The “To Thank” List

Seventeen years ago I began to carry another list with me.  It’s called my “to thank” list.  I learned that my successes were not possible without help from my family, friends, and colleagues.  And I also realized that I counted on their friendship and love during my most trying times.  So I began to carry a “to thank” list.

“Permanent” Members

My “to thank” list includes two groups of people:  The “permanent members,” and the people who come in and out of my life.  My family, friends, and colleagues are on my permanent list:  I thank them at the start of each day during my morning gratitude ritual.  And I speak with them often.  I cherish these people, and I would not want to live without them.

“Guest” Members

And there is my “guest member” list to thank.  These are the individuals who may not be a permanent part of my life, but they sure are helping me now.  Each week I make sure to thank these people for the role they play in my life.

Good for your Happiness.  Good for your Business.

My day is not complete until I have acknowledged my “to thank” list.  I consider this one of my most important “to do’s” every day:  When I thank the people who make my good life possible, I accomplish something very important.

Research conducted by Robert Emmons at the University of California at Davis demonstrates that we enjoy better relationships, better health, and greater happiness when we increase our gratitude.  And if you’re in business, The Gallup organization has found in their research that when employees receive recognition every seven days, they are more engaged and more productive.

Your List

What about your “to thank” list?  Is it written down?  Do you carry it with you?  Can you recite it by memory?

This week make it your Monday Morning Momentum project and create your “to thank” list.  Start by writing down all your permanent members.  Then add your guest members to your list.

Who are you going to thank this week?

Invite Your Family, Friends, and Colleagues to Join You

And if you want your colleagues, friends, and family to join you on your Monday Morning Momentum mission, send this post along to them.

Have a great week, and let me know how it goes!

The Secret to Getting Back Up: Gratitude

Floyd Patterson, a heavyweight boxing legend and Hall-of-Famer, once said, “They said I was the fighter who got knocked down the most, but I also got up the most.”  Patterson found a way to get back up each time.  This is the mark of a good leader, and a successful person.  You get up after you get smacked.

All success stories involve knock down after knock down.  The question is why do some people have the courage and confidence to get up while many people stay down?  Let me tell you how I learned the secret.

Fourteen years ago on a Friday afternoon in New York City something happened to me at work.  It was one of those events that makes you want to run home, pull the blinds, get under the covers and put a pillow over your head. 

As luck would have it, my Mom was visiting me that weekend; she was waiting for me when I returned from work.  Now I have a mom with a talent for finding out what’s bothering you; she’s like a “psychological MRI.”  She gives you one hug, one look, and she knows what’s wrong with you.  Mom also knows just what to say.  This is what she said that night.

“When I was growing up in Maine I was teased for being poor.  The kids picked on me because we had an outhouse in our backyard.  They laughed at me because I went to a one-room school house.  They made fun of my mother because she warmed her feet in the oven on cold winter nights.

I know how it feels when people put you down.  But I learned that the key to a better life is not to focus on what people say you don’t have, but to focus on what you do have.”

And that’s when Mom talked to me about the power of gratitude.  She told me that if we think about what we’re grateful for when we’re overwhelmed, and when others are hurtful to us, we will always find the strength and courage to fight for the life we want to live.  That’s the secret.

Sunday night came and Mom left for Milwaukee.  A few hours later I was walking around Manhattan’s lower east side.  I began to worry about work, and I was feeling more than just the “Sunday Night Blues.”  That’s when I thought of Mom and what she said, “Think about what you’re grateful for.”

So I stopped right where I was on 20th Street between 1st and 2nd Avenue.  There was a red brick elementary school there.  I backed up to it, leaned on the wall, looked up and did just what Mom told me to do.  I said everything that I was grateful for.  I can still remember the feeling that came next.

Almost immediately my heart stopped racing, my chest relaxed, and I took a deep breath.  I looked up at the sky and felt as if the passing clouds were carrying my worries away.  My worries no longer seemed important compared to the many things I was grateful for in my life.  I felt relief like never before.

From that moment on I knew the power of gratitude and I have tapped into it every day over the last fourteen years – some days more than others!

So the next time you take one on the chin, do as my Mom says, “think of everything that you are grateful for,” and like Floyd Patterson, you’ll get back up before the count of ten.

Monday Morning Momentum™: Focus + Humility + Questions = Momentum

Monday, May 19, 2008

Click here for an introduction to Monday Morning Momentum.

Focus + Humility + Questions = Momentumã

Let me check something out with you. Pretend for a moment that your friend, child, spouse, employee, or your boss says to you: “I would like to learn from you.  It would mean a lot to me if you would help me.” How would you feel?  My bet is that you feel good right now just thinking about the idea:  We all like to believe that we have something to offer those we care about.

People want to help us when we are humble enough to ask for help.

We demonstrate our curiosity when we seek assistance.  We telegraph to the world that we are on a search for new ways to do, see, and experience things.  In their book Character Strengths and Virtues, leading positive psychologists Martin Seligman, and Christopher Peterson point to research by psychologist Todd Kashdan of George Mason University that shows when people demonstrate curiosity, they learn more, are more engaged at work, and perform better academically.  Curiosity leads to better performance.

So, this week, let’s ask for help. Here’s our plan:

(1)    Think of two important areas in your life in which you could use some ideas, help, or input.

(2)    Write down a few questions you could ask people about these two critical areas.

(3)    Then identify three people you could approach to ask your questions. Choose a friend, a family member, and a colleague.

(4)    Finally, ask your questions.  But first tell them why you appreciate them (i.e., their perspective, ideas, their knowledge of you, or their expertise), and ask them if they would be willing to share their thoughts with you about something important to you. When they say “yes” – and they always will – then pose your questions to them.

(5)    Listen with humility.  Write down their answers. And thank them for their insights and their time.

What will happen? 

First, you will be amazed at how much people will appreciate your reaching out to them:  You will have shown respect and interest in them, and for that they will be grateful – even if they do not express it immediately. You will have deepened your relationship with them.

Second, you will be happy to have received help from people you care about and admire. And very importantly, you will have learned something valuable about an area of your life that matters deeply to you.

Your focus on what’s important to you, plus your humility, plus your questions will lead to increased momentum in your life.

Invite Your Family, Friends, and Colleagues to Join You

And if you want your colleagues, friends, and family to join you on your Monday Morning Momentum journey, send this post along to them.

Have a great week, and let me know how it goes!

And click here for last week’s Monday Morning Momentum post.

Don’t Let Garbage Trucks Cloud Your Judgment©

I ordered a cup of tea at Starbucks today.  After I paid, I walked over to the counter where the milk, sugar, and napkins are kept.  And as I made my way across the cafe, I saw a woman leaning against the counter waiting for someone.  She saw me, smiled, and stepped back so I could reach the milk.

She said, “Sorry about that.”

And I said, “That’s okay.  Standing there is a great way to meet people.”

She said, “You’re right.  I should probably try that.  It’s so hard to meet people around here.” 

“Really,” I said.  “Why?”

“People are so rude!” she said.

I responded with curiosity, “How long have you been here?”

“We moved down here yesterday,” she quickly said.

I then told her that I had lived in the area for five years, and that the people around here are nice.  In fact, they are as friendly as in any other part of the world where I have worked, studied, or visited.  And then I smiled and told her to make sure that she counts me in her “nice people” column! She laughed.  I told her my name was David.  She said hers was Jane.  I wished her well, and we said goodbye.

I walked out of the cafe and I was struck by one thing.  Jane seemed nice, but she jumped to a conclusion about more than a million people in less than 48 hours.

So, consider these questions.  When Jane decided “people are so rude” around here, how large was her sample of people?  And what was her attitude when she interacted with these people?  What was she saying?  What was she doing?  And will her judgment of the people here help her to make friends, or will it limit her ability to connect with people?

It’s possible that Jane had run into a few Garbage Trucks in the very short time she had been here.  However, her problem is that she let negative experiences with a few people cloud her view of the rest of the world.

You know better.  When you encounter Garbage Trucks in your life, let them pass by.  Don’t take them personally:  Just smile, wave, wish them well, and move on.  When you do, you free yourself to enjoy your best possible life.  This is the best time for you to meet people. 

Monday Morning Momentum™ - Be a Day Starter™

Monday, May 12, 2008
Click here for an introduction to Monday Morning Momentum.

Be a Day Starter™
This week’s focus: At home

My wife, Dawn, usually wakes up before I do. Sometimes she wakes up by alarm, and other times by the gentle tugging of one of our two little girls, Eliana (5) and Ariela (4). Then around 6:30a.m., it’s my turn. This is how I wake up: Dawn hugs me and whispers good morning until I wake up. It’s a beautiful way to begin a day; I am loved awake. Dawn starts my day.

And then I continue the cycle. I step out of bed and head upstairs to my little girls’ rooms. I quietly walk into their bedrooms and wake them up with a big hug. It is one of my favorite parts of the day. I start their day.

How do you wake up in the morning? What is your first interaction of the day? What do you do and say when you first see someone in the morning?

Be A Day Starter in Your Family

If you’re not already beginning your day as warmly and positively as you can, be a Day Starter for one week: When you wake up in the morning express your love with your words and your actions.

If you normally complain right after you get up, express your love first. If you have to begin your day with a cup of coffee in the morning, do it after you have hugged and kissed everyone (And if you don’t normally hug and kiss your family, let me know what impact it has on your life when you do.). Suspend your normal wake-up habits for one week. Be a Day Starter at home.

Be A Day Starter with Your Roommates

If you live with roommates, be the first to greet everyone. Be the first to smile. Make the coffee. Offer to make their breakfast when you make yours. Demonstrate your interest in them. Start their day.

Be A Day Starter if You Live Alone

And if you live alone, call someone you care about. Email a kind note to a friend. Exercise with friends, or grab a cup of coffee with them. Start someone’s day.

Invite Your Family and Friends to Join You

And if you want your family or friends to join you on your journey, send this post along to them.

Have a great week, and let me know how it goes.

Monday Morning Momentum™

Welcome to Monday Morning Momentum!

Each Monday I lay out a simple momentum plan for you to follow: I help you focus on one thing each week that will increase your momentum in your career, business, and life.

Momentum makes life better.™

Thanks for being here.

David J. Pollay

What Does Your Badge Say?©

Last year I was shopping in an office supply store.  I stepped up to the check-out counter when it was my turn to pay.  The clerk behind the cash register was wearing a name badge that said, “Dane.”  And below his name read, “In Training.”

I said, “Dane, how’s your training going?”  He stopped.  He looked to his left.  He looked to his right.  Then he leaned into me and said, “I’m not actually in training anymore.” 

I started laughing!  “What?!,” I said.  “Then why are you wearing a badge that says, “In Training?!”  Here’s what he said:  “When I was in training I learned a lot more, and people were friendlier to me.” 

As I left the store and slowly walked out to my car I thought, “He’s right.  You do learn more and people are friendlier to you when you’re in training.”  Here’s why.

When you declare to the world that you are in training and that you want to learn, you become a student.  And when you tell the world that you are a student, people want to help you.  They want to teach you.  You are essentially telling other people that they have strengths, knowledge, skills, and experience that you believe are valuable and that you appreciate. 

So now I think of Dane when I catch myself acting as if I “know” something.  Rather than prove what I know to everyone, I listen and try to see what I can learn. 

People want to help people who want to learn.  So now I say to myself when I head out from home, “David, are you wearing your ‘In Training’ badge today?”

How about you?  What does your badge say?

Do What You Love. Take A Fill Year™

Do what you love.  Start exploring your interests now.  Take, what I call, a “Fill Year™.”

The goal of your Fill Year is to explore as many of your interests as possible.  The key to finding your true path in life is through exploration.  Get out and try things.  Whatever interests you, pursue it.

But, you’re busy.  You work full time.  You have children.  You have other responsibilities.  What can you do? 

I did some homework for you.  I figured out that you have the equivalent of eighteen work-weeks per year to explore your interests.  Here’s a look at the math I used:  You have thirty minutes at lunch three times per week; thirty minutes at night three times per week; one night per week; two weekend nights per month; two weekend days per month; and one week of your annual vacation time.  With a little planning – and determination – you can fill your year with many meaningful activities.

But if you are already feeling maxed out, how can you dedicate so much time for exploration?  Take my “Morning Test” to find out.  Here’s how it works.  Every night for one week write down everything that you do at lunch, and at night.  Jot down the email you read, the sites you surf, the radio programs you listen to, the TV shows you watch, and whatever else you do. 

Then immediately after waking up the next morning – and this is important – think about what you did the day before at lunch and at night.  Think about everything you did that still makes you happy, and what you think was a waste of time.  Write it all down. 

Do this for one week and see which activities are meaningful to you, and which ones you do by force of habit.  Here’s your opportunity:  Replace some of your less helpful habits with activities that are gratifying to you.

Now how do you know what is fulfilling to you?  Start by looking back at the main periods in your life:  Childhood, high school, college, jobs, marriage, children, and your career.  When were you the happiest? When were you the most successful?  What were you doing?  What were you learning?  What activities did you enjoy?  What were you reading?  What were you writing?  With whom were you spending time?  Your answers to these questions will help uncover your passions in life.

How else can you find clues to what you love to do?  Ask the people in your life what they think.  What have they seen you do well?  What have you expressed an interest in?  Ask your family.  Ask your friends.  Ask your co-workers.  Their insight might surprise you.

How can you find out what activities are available to you?  Check your local newspaper, TV and radio event calendars.  Call your local universities, museums, libraries, theatres, concert halls, hotels, chambers of commerce, local governments, and houses of worship.  Find out which associations have chapters in your area.  Get a listing of local clubs.  See what’s interesting to you and start plugging activities into your calendar. 

Some of you may be thinking that you cannot take this time away from your spouse, children, parents, friends, or co-workers.  This is where you play “Fill Year™ Matchmaking.”  Determine who would be willing to participate in some of these activities that you find interesting, and then invite them to go along with you.  They’ll appreciate the invitation, and you’ll do something fun together.  And you’ll have taken another step forward in your year of exploration.

Get excited about your future.  Take a Fill Year™ now.  Find your true path.

Be Like Michelangelo. See the Best in Yourself and Others.©

I want to be like Michelangelo.

I had the chance to travel to Italy sixteen years ago. Florence was one of the stops on my trip. It was one of the most beautiful cities I had ever seen.

One day I visited the Michelangelo Museum. I was excited to see one of the most famous statues in the world, Michelangelo’s “David”. I walked through the front door of the museum, turned, and there it was. The statue of David standing high on a pedestal at the end of the main hallway. I walked right to the statue and just stood there in awe of Michelangelo’s creation.

After a few minutes I stepped back to give others a chance to get a good look at David. I walked around the rest of the museum to see the other sculptures on display. Everything in the museum was great. But I kept looking back at David. I was so amazed that something so beautiful could be carved out of such a hard, hard stone.

So as I was leaving the museum, I stopped a tour guide and I asked, “Do we know anything about what inspired Michelangelo when he carved David?” And he looked right at me and said in English with a heavy Italian accent, “Yeah, yeah we do. Michelangelo said what inspired him.” The guide then turned in the direction of David and quietly told me what Michelangelo had said.

“I saw the angel in the marble and carved until I set him free.”

This is the moment I decided I wanted to be like Michelangelo.

I think about this every night when I check on my little daughters. Every night since the day they were born, I go into their rooms just before I go to bed. I pull up their blankets, and I kiss them on the cheek. I look at them sleeping peacefully and I think of Michelangelo. I see the angel inside each of them.

We should all look for the angel inside ourselves and our loved ones. We should ask the question, “What is that special place within all of us?” We all have knowledge, skills, experiences, and expectations that are part of the person we think we are. Yet at our core, we know there’s something unique about us. Our best self is in there and we know it.

Every day I try to ask myself, “How can I help my daughters stay connected to their real strengths, what they love to do, and what matters most to them in their lives?”

The science of Positive Psychology has found that this question is an important one to ask. Co-founder of Positive Psychology Martin Seligman and University of Michigan Psychologist Christopher Peterson discovered that people become happier the more they engage their signature strengths. The late Don Clifton, and Jim Harter, both of The Gallup Organization, found in their research, “The more a strength is exercised, the more integrated it becomes…Teachers, mentors, and parents may accelerate the development of individuals by basing their expectations for a person on his or her talents.”

Michelangelo had it right. He focused on the good and he brought it to life. His statue of David is a reminder to us all to look for the best in others.

Some day I will no longer be here to kiss my girls good night. When that day comes, I hope Eliana and Ariela will each say, “My Dad saw the angel inside me. My Dad was my Michelangelo.”

David J. Pollay is the author of “Beware of Garbage Trucks!™ - The Law of the Garbage Truck™ (www.bewareofgarbagetrucks.com).” His book, The Law of the Garbage Truck™, is due out this Fall, and you can read his blog each week. Mr. Pollay is a syndicated columnist with the North Star Writers Group, creator and host of The Happiness Answer™ television program and DVD, and an internationally sought after speaker. He is the founder and president of The Momentum Project. If you would like to reprint Mr. Pollay’s columns, or include them in your blog, please email david@themomentumproject.com.  David J. Pollay’s bio.