David J. Pollay's Blog

Give Up the “Game Show Mindset” and Improve Your Relationships

Monday Morning Momentum™ with David J. Pollay – December 1, 2008

I was a senior in High School.  I was in class and my teacher was asking us questions.  We would raise our hands if we knew the answer.  After five questions, no one could miss that there was a student in the back row bouncing out of his seat.  He was trying to get the teacher’s attention.  He wanted to answer every question. 

This student was a smart guy and a good guy.  The problem was that he was not aware that he was crowding out other people’s contributions.  He was so concerned with grabbing every opportunity to provide an answer that he took his eyes off his relationship with others.  He had what I call a “Game Show Mindset.” 

The Game Show Mindset

The Game Show Mindset is all about being right.  You love being right, and you jump on opportunities to show what you know.  People with the Game Show Mindset travel around with a huge invisible answer button; they stand ready to press it at any time.  I call them “Game Show Contestants.” 

The Game Show Mindset at home

This Game Show behavior happens at home too.  I should know.  I was caught with my hand on the answer button last year.  I was so focused on being right that I rained on my wife’s parade.

Dawn had rearranged a few rooms in our home over one weekend while I was away leading a workshop in New York City.  Dawn did a beautiful job in the house and worked very hard; I was impressed, and she was rightly proud of herself.  The day after I returned from my trip she started to apply her talent to the upstairs office.  And then I played the role of the Game Show Contestant. 

I said things like, “That won’t fit, I already measured it,” and “That doesn’t look good if it’s not centered.”  And then I carried my big answer button to the kitchen and started in again, “That snack is not as healthy as you think, and blah, blah, blah….”  Like my high school friend I got so caught up in “being right,” I missed the chance to be supportive, appreciative, and encouraging. 

Don’t miss the “bids” in your relationship

Relationship researcher John Gottman would say that I was so focused on having the right answer that I missed what he calls “bids.”  Gottman says in his book, The Relationship Cure, “A bid can be a question, a gesture, a look, a touch – any single expression that says, ‘I want to feel connected to you.’”  Gottman’s research shows that most relationships succeed because of the many small interactions people have.  He says, “By becoming aware and mindful of such moments, we can give and receive the intimacy and support we all need from our closest relationships.”

This week

Let’s take Gottman’s advice:  pay attention to our relationships.  We can take our hands off the answer button; there’s no need for us to jump out of our seats to answer every question. 

Let’s give others a chance to contribute this week.  Let’s forget about racking up points on the imaginary scoreboard.  The rewards will be much greater when we do.

Have a great week, and let me know how it goes!

Enjoy!

Best to you,

David

Invite your family and friends to join you

And if you want your family, colleagues and friends to join you on your Monday Morning Momentum™ journey, send this post along to them. 

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Are You a “Love Cycler” or a “Clicker?”

Monday Morning Momentum™ with David J. Pollay – November 24, 2008

Recently Dawn and I were asked two interesting questions.  One person asked us, “Your parents do so much for you guys, why do you think they are so giving?”  We accepted her question as a great compliment and tribute to the wonderful people that our parents are. 

A couple weeks later someone asked the second question:  “You and Dawn give so much to your parents, how come you do so much for them?”  We appreciated this question too; it warmly recognized what Dawn and I try to do for our parents.  We love them very much and want to help make their lives easier and more enjoyable.

A “Love Cycle”

Until recently I held these questions separately in my mind.  I now see they are part of the same question.  Why do we all do so much for each other?  The answer is that we are in what I call a “Love Cycle.” 

Love Cyclers

A Love Cycle happens when people in a relationship do not know who started doing what for whom; they only know that there is constant giving and receiving in the relationship.  The love expressed and the good works done on each other’s behalf happen so often that there’s no purpose in keeping score.  People in a Love Cycle are what I call “Love Cyclers.”

A friend of mine once had a temporary job counting cars at a busy intersection.  He had to “click his clicker” every time a vehicle of any kind went driving by.  Although my friend almost lost his mind doing this job, he said he really had to focus so that he could keep clicking his clicker.

Clickers

Many people in life walk around with their own clickers counting the number of things that people do for them.  These people don’t want to give more than they get.  They click because they do not trust.  They spend valuable time clicking, versus cycling the giving in a relationship.  They are not “Love Cyclers;” they are “Clickers.”

So are you a Love Cycler or a Clicker?

Here’s the easiest way to reorient your thinking to the Love Cycle.  Let’s take typical marriage vows as an example:  to love, honor, and cherish.  “Clickers” sit and wait for their spouse to “love, honor, and cherish them.”  “What have you done for me lately?” is the question they ask themselves before they reach out to their spouse.  Love Cyclers don’t wait; they just love, honor, and cherish their spouses.

Love Cycling Leaders

Good leaders are Love Cyclers.  They set the tone at work with their actions.  They give, they offer, and they help.  They tell stories of people helping them and supporting them.  You see them volunteer.  On the other hand, Clickers talk about who hasn’t helped them, who owes them, who’s giving them a hard time, and who they don’t like.  The bottom line is that Clickers are so busy clicking, they are not loving.

Jim Harter, Frank Schmidt, and Corey Keyes, three Positive Psychology researchers found that, “daily occurrences that bring about joy, interest, and love (or caring) lead to a bonding of individuals to each other, their work, and their organization.”  When managers “pay attention and respond to each unique individual they manage, the daily experiences lead to higher frequency of joy, interest, and love (or caring) among their employees.”

The bottom line is that Love Cyclers make better bosses and better spouses. 

This week

When you go to work this week, and when you go home at night, practice leaving your clicker behind and enjoy being a Love Cycler.

Have a great week, and let me know how it goes!

Enjoy!

Best to you,

David

Invite your family and friends to join you

And if you want your family, colleagues and friends to join you on your Monday Morning Momentum™ journey, send this post along to them. 

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Monday Morning Momentum™: Don’t Let the Peanuts Run Your Life

                               

Welcome to Monday Morning Momentum!  Each Monday I lay out a simple momentum plan for you to follow: I help you focus on one thing each week that will increase your momentum in your career, business, and life.  Thanks for being here!  Best to you, David 

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Don’t Let the Peanuts Run Your Life Ó                                                                                                        

I love peanuts

I love peanuts.  I like them salted or unsalted.  I like them sweet or savory.  You can put them in my dinner or in my dessert.  I never met a peanut I didn’t like.  It is a joy to eat peanuts!

It’s also a challenge to eat peanuts.  Peanuts pack a caloric punch.  Too many peanuts per day and you have to loosen your belt.  One day I decided to reduce my peanut intake.  I resolved not to eat peanuts after dinner, or for a late night snack. 

I tried not to eat peanuts

So, the next night I had dinner.  And sure enough, I had a thought to eat some peanuts.  But I reminded myself that I had decided not to eat peanuts.  So I did not eat peanuts. 

And then it happened.  An hour later I was standing in my kitchen with salt on my lips, peanuts in my mouth, and another load ready to go.  But, I did not remember opening the cabinet, reaching down to the bottom shelf, grabbing the peanut jar – okay, the peanut tub – and putting a handful of delicious peanuts in my mouth.  It was only after I stuck my hand in the tub of peanuts a second time I thought, “Whoa!  Whoa!  Whoa!  How did this happen?  How did I end up here?!” 

The unconscious mind

Psychology researcher Jonathan Haidt of the University of Virginia explains this phenomenon with a metaphor he calls the “Rider and the Elephant.”  In his book The Happiness Hypothesis, and in his earlier research papers, Haidt described how the “rider” is our conscious mind, and the “elephant” is our unconscious mind.  We are constantly trying to guide our body and thoughts in the direction we want them to go.  The challenge is, as Haidt’s metaphor illustrates, when an elephant is determined to go somewhere, it will, rider in tow.

The challenge of change

Now take my peanut example to another level.  What if you want to change something important in your life?  If you decide that you are going to do something differently, but you are not aware of what is happening below the surface, in your unconscious, how will you succeed?  The answer is “you won’t.” 

Haidt warns, “The rider can’t just decide to change and then order the elephant to go along with the program.  Lasting change can come only by retraining the elephant, and that’s hard to do.”  The key to achieving new and important things in your life is to find out what is unconsciously limiting you and then replace it with a belief that will enable your success. 

Uncovering your beliefs

Your most potent levers of sustainable change are your beliefs.  Uncover your beliefs and you will find out why you do what you do.  You will learn more about your “elephant.”

This week

So here’s one approach to drawing out your beliefs.  This week start by identifying an important and big goal in your life and how soon you would like to reach it.  Make sure this goal would change your life dramatically if you achieved it. 

Now grab a pen and answer these questions. 

(1)    What will I gain if I achieve my goal? 

(2)    What will I have to do to accomplish my goal? 

(3)    What will I have to give up to reach my goal? 

(4)    What will happen if I fail to meet my goal?

Start each of your answers with “I believe I…” to help elicit your beliefs.  Now look at your answers.  These are some of the beliefs you hold relative to your goal. 

The question, then, is which of these beliefs will help you achieve your goal and which ones will hold you back. 

Your success in life depends on your ability to uncover and change your limiting beliefs to those that will fire you up and bring out your greatness.

Don’t let the peanuts run your life. 

Invite Your Family and Friends to Join You

And if you want your family, colleagues and friends to join you on your momentum journey, send this post along to them.  Have a great week, and let me know how it goes!

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And remember you can sign up for my newsletter, Monthly Momentum Minutesä, right here.

Monday Morning Momentum™: What Are You Saying to Yourself?

                                    

Welcome to Monday Morning Momentum!  Each Monday I lay out a simple momentum plan for you to follow: I help you focus on one thing each week that will increase your momentum in your career, business, and life.  Thanks for being here!  Best to you, David 

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What Are You Saying to Yourself?                                                              

A walk with my daughter

My daughter, Eliana (4 at the time), and I were walking through a nature preserve two years ago when she stopped, turned around, and looked right up at me and said, “Papi, what did you say?” 

I said, “Ah, nothing sweetie.” 

“But Papi, I heard you say something.”

“Oh, Eliana, I must have been talking to myself.”

And then she asked me the big question, “Papi, why were you talking to yourself?”

Why was I talking to myself?  That was a great question.  I didn’t know.  I didn’t even know that I was doing it!

While you might be smiling right now, you know you do it too.  We all do it.  If you don’t believe me, try this quick exercise.

Take a quick break and email me what you have read so far in this post.  You can reach me at david@themomentumproject.com.  Okay? 

Stop!  Now what are you saying to yourself?  “Why is he asking me to do this?  I don’t have time right now.  I don’t do exercises.  I’m not emailing a columnist.”  That’s all self-talk.  As I said, we all do it.  Everybody does. 

We talk…and we talk fast

And we talk fast.  We speak out loud at approximately 200 words per minute.  Yet we speak to ourselves at more than 1,300 words per minute.  At this rate we might have over 45,000 thoughts per day.  The problem is that many of these thoughts aren’t helpful.

What does this mean for us?  How much of what we say to ourselves helps us live a better life?  Are we more successful, and are we happier?

16 years ago my grandfather taught me that the answer can be “yes” if we choose what to say to ourselves. 

My grandfather’s example

I was visiting my grandfather in his home in Augusta, Maine.  We called him Bumpa.  He was 86. Bumpa was having a rough morning; he was not feeling well.  He had a right to feel bad; he was a survivor of three major strokes.

That morning I walked down the short hallway from the guest bedroom to the kitchen.  I stopped when I heard his voice.  I slowly peeked around the corner and I saw him sitting in his rocking chair.  He was staring at his legs as he was saying, “Legs don’t fail me now.  You can do it.  You’ve always been strong.  I have a lot to do.  Let’s go legs.  I’m getting up.”

Thirty minutes later Bumpa was outside in his backyard chopping wood.  Here was a man the doctors thought we had lost three times.  He lived to be 90 years old.

My grandfather taught me the power of self-talk. 

My best thinking

I’m at my best when I think about all the support I have, the strengths I have been given, the successes I’ve had, and the goals I have now.  I’m at my best when I choose what to think about.

And it was my four-year old daughter’s question that reminded me to choose the self-talk that will help me to live my best possible life.  Eliana also helped me remember how much I loved my grandfather. 

This week

Listen to what “you have to say” this week.  When you move from one activity to the next, make a note of your internal conversation.  For example, jot down your answers to these questions:

What do you say to yourself when…

…you wake up in the morning?

…you drive to work?

…you set your priorities for the day?

…you have to go to a meeting?

…your boss asks you to do something?

…you’re driving home from work?

…you’re getting ready for bed?

At the end of each day look back at the pattern of your self-talk.  Was it helpful or not?  And if you find that you had been saying things to yourself that did not help, start replacing them the next day with words that support, encourage, and motivate you. 

Next week, we’ll look at one of the most important things you can say to yourself. 

Invite Your Family and Friends to Join You

And if you want your family, colleagues and friends to join you on your momentum journey, send this post along to them.  Have a great week, and let me know how it goes!

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And remember you can sign up for my newsletter, Monthly Momentum Minutesä, right here.

Monday Morning Momentum™: Don’t Play Email Lottery

                                    

Welcome to Monday Morning Momentum!  Each Monday I lay out a simple momentum plan for you to follow: I help you focus on one thing each week that will increase your momentum in your career, business, and life.  Thanks for being here!  Best to you, David 

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Don’t Play Email LotteryÓ                                                                                   

How It Starts

After I waved goodbye to Dawn and the girls as they headed off to school, I went back into the house, grabbed my cup of tea, and sat down at the computer.  I went straight to my four email accounts and started reading all the email that had arrived over night.  Thirty minutes later, I had responded to just a third of them: I had to stop to drive to my office in time for a meeting.  But as I made my way downtown, I was still thinking about the emails I had read, but not answered.  I was not focusing my energy and creativity on my goals for the day.  I had broken my rule.

How many of you do this every day?  How many of you sit down at your computer and say, “Let’s see what I have waiting for me today?”  And when you’re honest with yourself, you catch yourself hoping that the emails are not delivering bad news or problems for you.  Most of you follow this routine from time to time, and many of you do it every day.

Other People’s Priorities

And here’s what you’re doing.  You are downloading other people’s priorities.  You go into your day without a plan.  You have not committed to an agenda.  You bow to the concerns of others, regardless of their relative importance.

Other People’s Moods

And each email comes with an attachment:  the mood of the sender.  Senders always convey their moods in their messages:  They transmit their worries, anxieties, frustrations, anger, and impatience. Thankfully, some senders also communicate joy, gratitude, optimism, and excitement.

But hoping that good news will appear each time you open your email is like playing the lottery:  You secretly hope one of the emails is holding your winning ticket number.   

Now, there’s nothing wrong with email:  It is a vital form of communication.  It allows us to connect with people all over the world inexpensively and almost instantly.

Losing Your Focus

The challenge is that if you have not outlined what you must accomplish during the day to advance your goals and dreams, you will get caught up in everyone else’s priorities.  You will push “your goals” off to another day while you handle the requests of others.  Following this strategy you will never build the momentum you need to live your best possible life.

The Impact On Others

And it’s not just about you.  When you fail to make progress in the key areas of your life, you feel frustrated and disappointed.  And when you feel this way, you create a wave of negative energy that touches many people: Your colleagues, your customers, your friends, and your family will be affected by your negative emotions.

This Week

Follow my rule instead:  Have a plan before you open your email.

Each day this week grab your morning beverage and review your goals.  And then ask these questions:

(1)    What’s important to you? 

(2)    What will help you move closer to achieving your best possible life? 

(3)    And what must you accomplish to delight your customers, and satisfy your stakeholders? 

Then look at your week and set your priorities for each day.  Then come up with a list of people you must call, and people you must email.  And decide on the best order to complete these tasks.

Then with your plan in hand, it’s safe to open your email.  You can determine if anything has arrived that trumps something on your priority list.  If it does, slide it into place.  If it does not warrant your immediate attention, wait until the end of the day to respond.

Respect your own priorities.  Believe your goals are worth pursuing.  And remember that there are people counting on you to succeed. 

Don’t play email lottery.  Set your own agenda and enjoy every day.

Invite Your Family and Friends to Join You

And if you want your family, colleagues and friends to join you on your journey, send this post along to them.  Have a great week, and let me know how it goes!

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And remember you can sign up for my newsletter, Monthly Momentum Minutesä, right here.

Change Your Seat. Change Your Life.

Everyone in life should be known for at least one quote.  I have one that I would like to share with you.  But first let me tell you a story.

Day 1

Seven years ago I attended a three-day leadership conference in San Francisco.  The first morning I arrived a few minutes early.  There must have been a hundred people in the room.  Many people were already sitting in their seats, and others were drinking coffee at the back of the room.  But all had staked a claim on a seat for the day.  There was just one chair left; I grabbed a cup of coffee and headed for it. 

The first day of the conference was good, and it was interesting to talk with the people around my table. 

Day 2

The second day I left the house a little earlier so that I could sit in another part of the room and meet new people.  The roads were pretty clear that morning; I arrived thirty minutes ahead of time.  I put my bag down on a seat at a new table.  Then I went to the back of the room to get a cup of coffee.

Watching people arrive, I noticed that they were returning to the same seats that they had been sitting in the day before.  I thought it was a bit curious, but I kept to my coffee and conversation.  When it was time to take our seats, I looked around as I walked to my chair.  And guess what I saw?  Everyone in the room was in the same seat as they had been on day one, that is, except two people:  me, and a young man who was glaring at me for taking his seat.  Out of 100 people, I was the only one who changed his seat on purpose! 

As I had planned, I learned a lot from the people around my new table.  I had another good day. 

Day 3

Day three came and my plan was the same: I left early from home so that I could arrive in time to choose a new seat in another part of the conference room.  Unfortunately, traffic that morning was bumper to bumper; my buffer time was lost on the highway.  I arrived with five minutes to spare before the session started.

I ran up the hotel stairs and opened the door to our meeting room.  And what did I see?  Everyone in the room was back in the seat they had chosen on day one, including the unhappy young man whose seat I had taken the day prior.  He was smiling at me as I settled into my original seat.  He had the grin of victory all over his face.  And the people I had met on day one – again sitting next to me – said, “Welcome home.” Everyone was so pleased that they had kept their original seat.

It was at that moment I was reminded that most people don’t like to change.  Most people prefer to stay in the same seat in life:  They would rather be comfortable than extend themselves to meet new people and try new things. 

Quote

So now it’s time for my quote.  Here it is.  “Most people sit in the same seat and expect life to come to them.  Be different.  Change your seat and you will come to life.” 

Be willing to change your perspective.  Be interested in other people.  Be open to new ideas.  The most successful people I know constantly challenge themselves.  They talk to people with different ideas and they try new things. 

So today my question to you is, “Where are you sitting?”  Better than that, “Are you going to change your seat?”

Monday Morning Momentum™: Be Happier - Let More Pass You By

                                

Welcome to Monday Morning Momentum!  Each Monday I lay out a simple momentum plan for you to follow: I help you focus on one thing each week that will increase your momentum in your career, business, and life.  Thanks for being here!  Best to you, David 

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Be Happier - Let More Pass You ByÓ

Many people complain

If you sit in a café long enough, you will hear people complain about almost everything.  And if you listen closely enough, the complaints are mostly about the behavior of other people. 

But, if you want to be happy…

But, if you want to be happy, you know that this is not the way to go.  You know one of the most powerful keys to happiness is to follow The Law of the Garbage Truck.  The key is to let the negative things you cannot control pass you by without taking them personally. 

This week

Do two things this week.

(1)  Make it a point to focus on what is important to you.  Don’t allow anyone or anything to distract you from what you care about. 

Try not to be bothered by any of the following:

• Bad drivers
• Rude waiters
• Poorly trained customer service representatives
• Aggressive sales people
• Insensitive colleagues
• People who don’t hold the door open for you
• Bosses who aren’t friendly
• Employees who criticize your ideas
• People on talk radio
• Negative television hosts
• Telemarketers

(2)    Who else should be on your list?  How many more people could you let pass by without taking them personally?  Add these people to your list now. 

And remember to breathe deeply each time you let a Garbage Truck pass you by this week.  And then congratulate yourself for doing it.

Invite your family, friends, and colleagues to join you.

Please post your experience this week, or email me at david@davidjpollay.com with your story. 

And if you want your family, friends, and colleagues to join you on your Monday Morning Momentum mission, send this post along to them.

Have a great week, and let me know how it goes!

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And remember you can sign up for my newsletter, Monthly Momentum Minutesä, right here.

Momentum Makes Life Better.©

Life is good.  We should be grateful for our lives every day.  We should find joy in our lives.  Believe this.  Remember this.

And momentum makes life better.

Momentum is powerful. Momentum requires more than just being “good.”  Your momentum depends on your ability to maintain what is good in your life and then build upon it.  The core of momentum is an appreciation of what you have, and a commitment to your continued growth.

Success and happiness depend on momentum.  Success and happiness begin with an understanding of what is right in your life, a desire to care for it, and a belief that you can do better.  Momentum does not allow for procrastination, backsliding, and giving up.  Momentum is all about action. 

Momentum requires you to use your resources to achieve more of what you value and enjoy. You must strive to learn more, love more, care more, try more, and experience more.  Your happiness and success rely on your positive momentum. Nineteenth century Swiss writer, Gottfried Keller said it best:  "We don't remain good if we don't always strive to become better."

Do you understand momentum?

Answer these questions to find out.

• Think about a game or contest you participated in – sports, school, or business – during your life.  Was it easier to score points when you were on a roll, or when you were just doing okay?
• Think back to when you were single (or if you’re single now, pay attention).  When were you most attractive to others?  Was it when you were dating regularly, or when you were not dating anyone.
• If you have ever been in sales, is it easier to make a sale after you have established relationships with potential customers, or when you are just meeting them for the first time?
• If you’re a parent, is it easier to get your children to talk about something that’s bothering them, or to keep them talking once they open up?
• If you’re a student, is it easier to start writing a paper, or to keep writing once you are in flow?
• If you have ever tried to lose weight, was it easier to start the diet, or to stick to it once you started losing weight?

You know the answers:  You do better when you’re already in action.  Getting started is always the hardest part.  Momentum makes life better.

If you’re competing, dating, selling, parenting, studying, or dieting, you want momentum.  You don’t wait for success to happen.  And you don’t sit on success once you have it: You maintain your success and you build upon it.  And when you have momentum you want people to know that you’re on a mission.  You want them on your team. You want their help.  You want their support.  And when you have momentum, people are more likely to help you.  And better yet, they want you on their team. 

Momentum feels good

Remember how momentum feels.  You feel powerful.  You feel great.  You feel confident.  You feel unstoppable.  And the beauty of momentum is that it is contagious.  When you achieve momentum in one area of your life, it is easier to achieve it in other areas of your life.  And when you experience momentum, the people around you benefit:  You give yourself, and everyone in your life, the best you have.

Einstein said, “Objects at rest have no momentum.” So, think about everything that is important to you.  And ask yourself, “Am I moving?” 

Remember life is good.  And momentum makes life better.  Get moving, and enjoy your best possible life.

Find Your Voice. Tap Your Strengths.

It was 1977 and I was in the sixth grade. I joined the Boy’s Choir. I really didn’t like singing in choirs, but I joined anyway. All my friends had signed up, so I did too.

I can still remember our two performances. I stood in the back row of the choir and mumbled my way through most of the songs. Why? I didn’t know all the words. So I sang the choruses and smiled a lot.

How many of us mumble and stumble through life? We just go through the motions. We’re not happy with our performance, but we continue anyway. Will we ever be good at what we’re doing? More importantly, will we ever be happy if we stick with the things we’re not passionate about?

Martin Seligman, Ph.D., of the University of Pennsylvania and Mihalyi Csikszentmihalyi, Ph.D., of Claremont Graduate University – the co-founders of Positive Psychology – wrote that people do their best when they focus on “identifying and nurturing their strongest qualities, what they own and are best at, and…find niches in which they can best live out these strengths.” Success will come to us when we discover what we enjoy doing, what natural strengths we have, and what activities we find meaningful.

Positive Psychology researcher Christopher Peterson, Ph.D., of the University of Michigan, and Dr. Seligman conducted extensive research on strengths. They developed a scientifically validated and widely used assessment tool to help people discover and learn about their strengths. The assessment is called the Values in Action Inventory of Strengths Survey (VIA-IS). The VIA-IS helps people identify what strengths are most natural to them – the strengths they use most often in their lives. Over 600,000 people throughout the world have taken the assessment. You can complete the VIA-IS Survey here.  And if you are a member of AIESEC or an alumnus of AIESEC, please click here to participate in our ongoing International Leadership Strengths research project.

When you complete the VIA-IS, you will walk away with a greater awareness of your top five strengths. You should then ask yourself two powerful questions:

1. First, how do you use your top five strengths in some way every day, and how have you used them in the past? You’ll find out that you express your strengths in many areas of your life.
2. Second, when you look back at your most significant accomplishments in your life, which of your top strengths helped you achieve those successes? You’ll begin to see a pattern in your life: You will discover that many of your greatest achievements were made possible by engaging your top strengths.

Now that we’ve talked about your strengths, what about your weaknesses? Can you forget them? The answer is “no, but.” The “but” is that you no longer should focus your energies on trying to fix your weaknesses. There’s a better answer: Look for the people who have the strengths you lack and partner with them. Focus on what you do best, and then let others do the same.

So, let other people sing in the Boy’s Choir if that’s what they love to do. As for you, find your own voice in life and express it in your own unique way.

Speak Someone’s Language and Watch Them Grow ©

When I was in college my roommates and I decided that we needed plants to liven up our dorm suite.  So we walked to the local grocery store and went shopping.  We had two criteria:  The plants needed to look healthy, and each one had to be of a different variety.

We bought four plants and brought them home.  We put them around the suite, and then we watered them.  We decided that we would use the same size mug each time to give them their water; we wanted to get it right each time. 

Two days later we watered the plants again.  We were proud that we remembered.  But shortly afterwards three of the four plants looked a little droopy.  So we grabbed the mug and watered them all again.

Another day passed and the same three were drooping even farther, so we watered them again.  And the next day, the three plants looked even worse.  The fourth plant was doing fine; it looked as good as it did in the store.

Now we weren’t botanists, but we knew that all the plants needed water.  And the fourth plant was evidence of this; it was doing great.  But somehow the others were not fairing so well.  And then we figured it out; we knew what the problem was.  The other three plants needed even more water!  So we gave each plant a double dose of water.

And what happened to our plants?  One of the plants was as healthy as ever.  The other three plants looked in terrible shape when one of our friends visited and said, “You’re giving them too much water.”  We all said defensively in a loud chorus, “What!  All plants need water.”  And she said, “Yes, but in different amounts.  One way to know is to touch the soil.  If the soil is dry, the plant needs water.  If the soil is wet, the plant has plenty of water.”

Here’s the translation of this story to Corporate America.  We were acting like a typical manager.  We were treating our employees the same, no matter the result.  We knew how to do one thing and we poured it on when it wasn’t working.  Most managers think and do the same thing.

Managers forget that we all want people to “understand” us.  We want people to know the “real” us.  We work harder for managers who treat us as individuals and help us to be our best selves.

A number of years ago I was in a meeting with senior leaders discussing the importance of recognizing employees when they do good work.  And this is what one leader said, “I rarely give out recognition; I believe my employees work harder when I keep my positive feedback in short supply.”

Was his strategy effective?  Yes, but with only one person.  The rest of his team had individual preferences for when and how they liked to be recognized.  He wasn’t reaching the rest of his team.  But he had a deep-set belief that everyone should get the same pint-sized ration of feedback.  He eventually left the company.

You will do best when you take the time to know what brings out the strengths of your employees.  How do you know what they need?  The answer is simple.  Touch them through your questions, your interest, and your support.  They’ll tell you what they need.  So go ahead and put your same size mug of water away.

Give employees what they need to succeed.  Speak their language and watch them grow.