David J. Pollay's Blog

Monday Morning Momentum™: Hug Now. Don’t Save It.

Welcome to Monday Morning Momentum!  Each Monday I lay out a simple momentum plan for you to follow: I help you focus on one thing each week that will increase your momentum in your career, business, and life.  Thanks for being here!  Best to you, David

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Hug Now.  Don’t Save It. ©

Recently I arrived home from the office, and my dad was standing in the driveway.  Dad is 6’2” and wears a full beard.  Dad was talking to two pro football-sized construction workers.  As I approached them, they all turned and looked at me.  I said, “Hi Dad.  Hey guys.”  I then stepped forward, shook my dad’s hand, pulled him into me, hugged him, and gave him a kiss on the cheek.  I then walked into the house.

A Family Ritual

For three generations my family has done the same thing.  We kiss and hug when we see each other.  We kiss and hug when we say goodbye.  And we don’t care who is watching.  My parents taught me through their example.  My grandmother reinforced this practice by what she said to me thirty-two years ago.

Nana’s Lesson

I was 9 years old.  It was wintertime in Milwaukee.  My family was leaving Northridge Shopping Mall after a movie.  Mom, Dad, my brother Mike, and my grandparents were there.  And I was mad at my dad.  I still have no idea why.  But I know that I was mad.  I was pouting and I wasn’t talking to him.

It was snowing that night and the temperature was below freezing.  Dad told us to wait inside the mall so that he could warm up the van and pull it up to the front door.

That’s when Nana came up to me and said, “Your father loves you and you love him.  Don’t go to bed angry at him.  Kiss and hug him before you go to bed tonight.  Tell him that you love him.  You never know when the Lord will take him from you.”

Few words have had such an impact on me as those of my grandmother that night:  “You never know when the Lord will take him from you.”

Don’t Miss Your Opportunity

Dawn and I recently attended the funeral of a colleague’s father who had passed away of a major heart attack.  His son was eulogizing him.  He said that one minute his father was talking; the next minute he was gone.  My colleague was respectful of his father and he recalled good times.  And then he said something that deeply saddened us: “I never did hear my father say that he loved me.”

My mother taught us that you hug, kiss, and say that you love someone when you wake up, when you go to bed, before you leave the house, and before you hang up the phone.

Psychology researchers have long talked about the importance of feeling a “secure attachment” to the ones you love.  You need to feel confident and secure in another’s love for you; the positive impact of this in your life is far reaching.  Demonstrating affection and saying what’s in your heart is the best way to nourish your most cherished relationships.

Tony Dungy, head coach of the Indianapolis Colts of the National Football League, lost his 18 year-old son, James, almost three years ago.  Eulogizing his son, Coach Dungy said that he had last seen his son at Thanksgiving.  They had said goodbye before James left for the airport.  Coach Dungy knew that he would see his son again soon; he did not think much about the casual way they said goodbye.

But Coach Dungy never did see his son again.  Coach Dungy said, “I never got to hug him again.  That’s one thing I’ll always think about and always remind people to do:  Hug ‘em every chance you get.”

My Dad is now 78.  He just visited me in my office.  I hugged and kissed him when he arrived.  I hugged and kissed him when he left.  My grandmother would be proud.

This Week

Take an inventory of the important people in your life.  Who do you love, but have not told recently?

Choose at least one of these important people and tell them how much they mean to you, and how much you love them.  And if it’s possible to see them in person this week, make sure to give them a hug; it could be one of the most important things you will ever do.

Invite Your Family and Friends to Join You

And if you want your family, colleagues and friends to join you on your journey, send this post along to them.  Have a great week, and let me know how it goes!

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A “Gratitude Moment:” The Letter

I checked on Dawn and the girls.  Dawn was sleeping.  And Eliana and Ariela were sprawled across our bed fast asleep.  We let them stay up a little later than usual (sometimes we let them fall asleep on our bed, and then I carry them upstairs to their rooms).

As I was heading from our bedroom to the kitchen, I stopped in the foyer to look at two pieces of mail that were opened and sitting on a shelf.  I reached for the one on top.  It was a letter.  It was addressed to Dawn.  I read the first two lines.

“Thank you for your recent visit to our facility.  Your digital mammogram shows no evidence of cancer.”

I stopped.  I didn’t read the rest of the letter.  I just thought about what it could have said.  And then I thought about all the other letters that were opened today, and the letters that would be opened tomorrow.  Many thousands of women would be blessed with good news.  I also thought about all the women around the world who had received or will receive the news they fear most.

Then I had what I call a “gratitude moment.”

I stopped what I was doing and I headed to a window.  I looked outside and took in the big world.  And I said thank you.  Thank you for blessing the health of my wife, children, parents, and all of my family.  Thank you for caring for my friends and colleagues.  And I said thank you for everything that is good in my life.

I know letters and phone calls could come at any time with news I would never want to hear.  So, when I am reminded of the good in my life, I stop and say thank you.  I want to always appreciate the abundance in my life.

Would you join me this weekend on a special journey?

This weekend look for the reminders of the good in your life.  And when you find them, stop and say thanks.  You have much to celebrate in your life.

And let us all send our blessings to the people who opened a different letter.

Monday Morning Momentum™ - Your “To Thank” List ©

Monday, May 26, 2008
Click here for an introduction to Monday Morning Momentum™.

Your “To Thank” List ã

The most common list people carry with them every day is a “to do” list.  It tells them how they will spend their time, and what they must accomplish.  In some ways you could also view a “to do” list as a scorecard:  Your success is determined by how many of the items you get through.

A New List:  The “To Thank” List

Seventeen years ago I began to carry another list with me.  It’s called my “to thank” list.  I learned that my successes were not possible without help from my family, friends, and colleagues.  And I also realized that I counted on their friendship and love during my most trying times.  So I began to carry a “to thank” list.

“Permanent” Members

My “to thank” list includes two groups of people:  The “permanent members,” and the people who come in and out of my life.  My family, friends, and colleagues are on my permanent list:  I thank them at the start of each day during my morning gratitude ritual.  And I speak with them often.  I cherish these people, and I would not want to live without them.

“Guest” Members

And there is my “guest member” list to thank.  These are the individuals who may not be a permanent part of my life, but they sure are helping me now.  Each week I make sure to thank these people for the role they play in my life.

Good for your Happiness.  Good for your Business.

My day is not complete until I have acknowledged my “to thank” list.  I consider this one of my most important “to do’s” every day:  When I thank the people who make my good life possible, I accomplish something very important.

Research conducted by Robert Emmons at the University of California at Davis demonstrates that we enjoy better relationships, better health, and greater happiness when we increase our gratitude.  And if you’re in business, The Gallup organization has found in their research that when employees receive recognition every seven days, they are more engaged and more productive.

Your List

What about your “to thank” list?  Is it written down?  Do you carry it with you?  Can you recite it by memory?

This week make it your Monday Morning Momentum project and create your “to thank” list.  Start by writing down all your permanent members.  Then add your guest members to your list.

Who are you going to thank this week?

Invite Your Family, Friends, and Colleagues to Join You

And if you want your colleagues, friends, and family to join you on your Monday Morning Momentum mission, send this post along to them.

Have a great week, and let me know how it goes!

The Secret to Getting Back Up: Gratitude

Floyd Patterson, a heavyweight boxing legend and Hall-of-Famer, once said, “They said I was the fighter who got knocked down the most, but I also got up the most.”  Patterson found a way to get back up each time.  This is the mark of a good leader, and a successful person.  You get up after you get smacked.

All success stories involve knock down after knock down.  The question is why do some people have the courage and confidence to get up while many people stay down?  Let me tell you how I learned the secret.

Fourteen years ago on a Friday afternoon in New York City something happened to me at work.  It was one of those events that makes you want to run home, pull the blinds, get under the covers and put a pillow over your head. 

As luck would have it, my Mom was visiting me that weekend; she was waiting for me when I returned from work.  Now I have a mom with a talent for finding out what’s bothering you; she’s like a “psychological MRI.”  She gives you one hug, one look, and she knows what’s wrong with you.  Mom also knows just what to say.  This is what she said that night.

“When I was growing up in Maine I was teased for being poor.  The kids picked on me because we had an outhouse in our backyard.  They laughed at me because I went to a one-room school house.  They made fun of my mother because she warmed her feet in the oven on cold winter nights.

I know how it feels when people put you down.  But I learned that the key to a better life is not to focus on what people say you don’t have, but to focus on what you do have.”

And that’s when Mom talked to me about the power of gratitude.  She told me that if we think about what we’re grateful for when we’re overwhelmed, and when others are hurtful to us, we will always find the strength and courage to fight for the life we want to live.  That’s the secret.

Sunday night came and Mom left for Milwaukee.  A few hours later I was walking around Manhattan’s lower east side.  I began to worry about work, and I was feeling more than just the “Sunday Night Blues.”  That’s when I thought of Mom and what she said, “Think about what you’re grateful for.”

So I stopped right where I was on 20th Street between 1st and 2nd Avenue.  There was a red brick elementary school there.  I backed up to it, leaned on the wall, looked up and did just what Mom told me to do.  I said everything that I was grateful for.  I can still remember the feeling that came next.

Almost immediately my heart stopped racing, my chest relaxed, and I took a deep breath.  I looked up at the sky and felt as if the passing clouds were carrying my worries away.  My worries no longer seemed important compared to the many things I was grateful for in my life.  I felt relief like never before.

From that moment on I knew the power of gratitude and I have tapped into it every day over the last fourteen years – some days more than others!

So the next time you take one on the chin, do as my Mom says, “think of everything that you are grateful for,” and like Floyd Patterson, you’ll get back up before the count of ten.

A Daily Dose of Awe and Gratitude ©

Most of us wake up thinking about how we are going to meet obligations and fulfill promises to other people. We begin our day in response mode and remain that way until it’s time to go to bed. This is a hard way to live.

For twelve years I have chosen another way. I begin each day with the same positive ritual: a daily dose of awe and gratitude.

The First Step: Experiencing Awe

No matter where I am, I start my day with a moment of awe. I wake up and head for the nearest window. I open the curtain and look outside. When I’m at home, I look at the ocean. When I’m at a hotel, I look at tall buildings. When I’m in Maine, I look at trees. Wherever I am there is always something interesting to draw my attention. Each time I look out my window I appreciate the fact that the universe does not revolve around me; it includes me.

Immersed in the wonder and awe of something that I cannot explain, this first step in my morning ritual reminds me that the world is much bigger than my life and my concerns.

My Mom grew up in Maine and often reflects on the beauty of nature. She once said to me, “Think of the beauty of maple trees. The same force that makes sap run up a tree from its roots to its trunk, against gravity, is the same force that resides inside of you.”

Mom made her point by gently poking me in the gut and saying, “It’s right there; connect to it.”

Profound Outcomes

University of Virginia psychologist Jonathan Haidt, author of the Happiness Hypothesis, and Dacher Keltner, University of California-Berkeley psychology professor, wrote about awe in Christopher Peterson and Martin Seligman’s book, Character Strengths and Virtues: “People consistently report that experiences of awe and elevation have profound outcomes, motivating self-improvement, personal change, altruistic intentions and actions, and the devotion to others and the larger community.”

The Second Step: Verbalizing Gratitude

The second step of my morning ritual focuses on gratitude. I say everything for which I am grateful.
Philosophers, religious leaders, and teachers have taught us for thousands of years to begin our day by expressing and feeling gratitude for everything and everyone we have in our lives.
My list includes being grateful for a new day, the sleep I had the night before, my health, my family (by name), my close friends (by name), my key supporters in business (by name), and important opportunities professionally and personally. I make it a habit of visualizing the people and things as I say them; I want to keep these images fresh in my mind.

“Grateful individuals have a sense of abundance,” according to research by psychology professor Phillip Watkins and his colleagues at Eastern Washington University. “Grateful individuals appreciate the common everyday pleasures of life...grateful individuals appreciate the contribution of others to their well-being.”

Rewards of a Ritual

“A ritual can smooth life’s transition as can perhaps nothing else," wrote Huston Smith, professor of Religion and Philosophy at Syracuse University, in his book The Religions of Man.
Gratitude and awe in my morning ritual helps me transition from a night of sleep to a new day of possibility.
Rituals also serve another function, says Smith, "namely to intensify appreciation and crown man’s joy with celebration.”

Every day is a new opportunity. What would happen if you started each day with a little awe and gratitude? This positive ritual could change your life.

David J. Pollay is the author of “Beware of Garbage Trucks!™ - The Law of the Garbage Truck™ (www.bewareofgarbagetrucks.com).” His book, The Law of the Garbage Truck™, is due out this Fall, and you can read his blog each week. Mr. Pollay is a syndicated columnist with the North Star Writers Group, creator and host of The Happiness Answer™ television program and DVD, and an internationally sought after speaker. He is the founder and president of The Momentum Project.