David J. Pollay's Blog

Do You Know the Three Questions?

“How was school?”  “What did you do today?”  These are some of the typical questions we ask our school-age children during dinner.  The question is, how often do these questions lead to interesting and engaging answers? 

At some point in time, most of us have felt frustrated because we do not know the questions that will encourage our children to speak openly and meaningfully about their day.  We want to know what is going on with them.  We want to know what they are excited about.  But questions that lead to answers such as “fine,” “okay,” and “I don’t remember,” do not help us learn more about our children. 

Three questions

Here are three questions that may help you and your family.  These questions may lead you to some interesting, meaningful, and fun conversations at the dinner table with your children. 

Question #1

“What was the ‘top’ of your day?” 

We know from Psychology that our experience in life is based on where we focus our attention.  We want to give our children an opportunity to recall something positive in their day.  Make sure to explain that the “top” of their day is a time when they were most satisfied, challenged, happy, or having fun. 

You can use this additional question to learn even more about what excites your children:  “Why” was that the top of your day?

Question #2

“What did you ‘learn’ today?”

Stanford psychology researcher, Carol Dweck, has spent decades researching what contributes most to our success in life.  She sums up her findings in her book, Mindset:  The New Psychology of Success.  She wrote:  “If parents want to give their children a gift, the best thing they can do is to teach their children to love challenges, be intrigued by mistakes, enjoy effort, and keep on learning.  That way, their children don’t have to be slaves of praise.  They will have a lifelong way to build and repair their own confidence.” 

When we ask our children what they learned today, we are demonstrating our interest in their growth.  We are as concerned with their practice as we are with their performance.  We are also communicating that we want to see them stretch themselves every day.  Learning is key. 

Consider asking this follow-up question to further focus your child on the importance of learning:  “How did you learn that today?” 

Question #3

“What were you ‘grateful’ for today?”

We do our children a great service when we help them understand the power of gratitude.  We help them realize how many good things and how many good people are in their lives.  Our question gently directs them to think of what they value and care about. 

Sociologist Georg Simmel wrote, “Gratitude, as it were, is the moral memory of mankind.”  Our inquiry prods them to thank the people that help them.  And we know from Positive Psychology research that the more grateful we are, the happier we become. 

Think about asking one of these questions to deepen your gratitude conversations:  “Why are you grateful for that?” and “What about that makes you grateful?”

Questions guide and stimulate

The beauty of these three questions is that they stimulate our children’s thinking.  And they can also influence our children subconsciously throughout the day:  Our children know that we expect them to be grateful, find something good, and learn something new every day. 

And don’t forget to answer these questions yourself.  Your children will understand what’s important to you:  You will model what you value.  And you will personally feel the uplifting benefits of focusing on these three questions.

Bon appetit!

Copyright 2009 David J. Pollay

Invite your family and friends to join you

If you want your family, friends, and colleagues to join us on our Monday Morning Momentum™ journey, send this post along to them. 

Have a great week! 

Best to you,

David

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And remember you can sign up for my newsletter, Momentum Minutes™, right here.

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David J. Pollay is the creator of The Law of the Garbage Truck™.  He is a syndicated columnist with the North Star Writers Group, creator and host of The Happiness Answer™ television program, and an internationally sought after speaker.  David’s book, The Law of the Garbage Truck™, is due out later this year.  You can find out about the No Garbage Trucks! mission at www.thelawofthegarbagetruck.com.

David is the founder and president of the consulting and seminar organization, The Momentum Project.  He is also a founding associate executive director of the International Positive Psychology Association (IPPA).  If you want to reprint one of David’s columns, email [email protected].  Here’s David’s full bio. 

You can sign up for David’s MO Minutes Newsletter here.

Focus + Humility + Questions = Momentum

Monday Morning Momentum™

Let me check something out with you.  Pretend for a moment that your friend, child, spouse, employee, or your boss said to you: “I would like to learn from you.  It would mean a lot to me if you would help me.”  How would you feel?  My bet is that you would feel great:  We all like to believe that we have something to offer the people we care about.

People want to help us when we are humble enough to ask for help.

We demonstrate our curiosity when we seek assistance.  We telegraph to the world that we are on a search for new ways to do, see, and experience things.  Psychologist Todd Kashdan of George Mason University wrote a chapter about the character strength of curiosity in Martin Seligman and Christopher Peterson’s book Character Strengths and Virtues.  In it Kashdan reviewed research that showed when people demonstrate curiosity, they learn more, are more engaged at work, and perform better academically.  Curiosity leads to better performance.

So, this month, let’s ask for help.  Here’s our plan:

(1)    Think of two important areas in your life in which you could use some ideas, help, or input.

(2)    Write down a few questions you could ask people about these two critical areas.

(3)    Then identify three people you could approach to ask your questions.  Choose a friend, a family member, and a colleague.

(4)    Finally, ask your questions.  But first tell them why you appreciate them (i.e., their perspective, ideas, expertise, or their knowledge of you), and ask them if they would be willing to share their thoughts with you about something important to you.  When they say “yes” – and they always will – then pose your questions to them.

(5)    Listen with humility.  Write down their answers.  And thank them for their insights and their time.

What will happen? 

First, you will be amazed at how much people will appreciate your reaching out to them:  You will have shown respect and interest in them, and for that they will be grateful – even if they do not express it immediately.  You will have deepened your relationship with them. 

Second, you will be happy to have received help from people you care about and admire.  And very importantly, you will have learned something valuable about an area of your life that matters deeply to you. 

Your focus on what’s important to you, plus your humility, plus your questions will lead to increased momentum in your life. 

Have a great month, and let me know how it goes!

Copyright 2009 David J. Pollay

Invite your family and friends to join you

If you want your family, friends, and colleagues to join us on our Monday Morning Momentum™ journey, send this post along to them. 

Have a great week! 

Best to you,

David

---------------------------------------------------------

Sign up

And remember you can sign up for my newsletter, Momentum Minutes™, right here.

---------------------------------------------------------

David J. Pollay is the creator of The Law of the Garbage Truck™.  He is a syndicated columnist with the North Star Writers Group, creator and host of The Happiness Answer™ television program, and an internationally sought after speaker.  David’s book, The Law of the Garbage Truck™, is due out this summer.  You can find out about the No Garbage Trucks! mission at www.bewareofgarbagetrucks.com.

David is the founder and president of the consulting and seminar organization, The Momentum Project.  He is also a founding associate executive director of the International Positive Psychology Association (IPPA).  If you want to reprint one of David’s columns, email [email protected].  Here’s David’s full bio. 

You can sign up for David’s MO Minutes Newsletter here.

 

Look for Treasure. Your Key to Success.

Monday Morning Momentum™

When I was growing up in Milwaukee, the largest electronics superstore in the area was a company called American TV.  And the owner, Len Mattioli, was famous in Wisconsin.  He was known as “Crazy TV Lenny” and he was constantly pitching his store on radio and television.  He was always yelling in his ads:  “Buy a washer, get a bike!  Buy a TV, get a bike!”  He hawked his products at full volume.

Dad’s view

One day I said to my father, “Dad this guy is nuts.  He’s always yelling!”  And my father said to me, “David, he’s a good businessman.”

My dad was right:  Dad could see American TV’s business growing quickly.  Mattioli did more than yell.  Crazy TV Lenny found a way to draw people into his business.  In fact, Mattioli took the original store and turned it into a chain of fifteen electronics superstores in the Midwest.

Bill’s view

I met Bill Zito when I was in high school, the summer before we both left Milwaukee for Yale University.  One day we were sitting in the upper grandstand at the old County Stadium watching the Milwaukee Brewers play.  I was asking him about all the players.  Bill knew them:  He had been the Brewers’ official batboy. 

So, I asked him: “What’s Cecil Cooper like?” 

Bill said:  “Excellent guy.”

“How about Paul Molitor?”

“Excellent guy.”

“And what about Robin Yount?”

“Super-excellent guy.”

And this is how the conversation went as I talked to Bill about half the roster.  I was surprised that everyone was an “excellent” guy.  We have all heard so much in the news about professional ballplayers; I thought at least someone would not be so great.  But in Bill’s eyes, everyone I asked about was an excellent or a super-excellent guy.  Bill knew something about talent:  He is now a sports agent with forty professional hockey players on his roster.

Preston's View

Twenty years ago in New York City I was with my good friend Preston Kevin Lewis.  We were looking for music in a record store when a song began to play.  I leaned over the record bin and said, “I don’t like this music.”  And Preston quietly said, “It doesn’t do a lot for me,” and kept looking through the stack of records.  While the song I pointed out wasn’t his favorite, Preston didn't spend any time focusing on the music he didn't like; instead he searched for the music he did like.

Preston is now a Managing Director for Warner Brothers Consumer Products in Australia and New Zealand, after stints with HBO Home Video, MTV, and Disney.

A lesson learned:  Find the treasures

I remember these stories because they are woven together in a lesson that has stuck with me over the past two decades:  When you look for the good, and when you expect the good, you find the good.  When you want to learn something new, there’s a treasure to be found. 

I learned that it’s easy to be a critic.  You can find fault with anything.  The challenge is to sift through life looking for brilliance, opportunities, and lessons to be learned. 

This week

So, this week observe yourself assessing the day-to-day events of your life, and the people you encounter.  What do you say to yourself about them?  What do you say to others? 

Then, here’s the big question.  When you make these comments publicly or privately, ask yourself:  “What am I learning right now?”  Do my comments and observations help me understand why someone is successful, why a business grows, and how a product sells?”

You will likely discover that your quick criticisms seldom lead you anywhere; they close the doors of your curiosity and creativity.  Your life will remain as it is.

But when you tune your mind to look for the hidden treasures in life, you will discover lessons that you can apply to your own goals and dreams.  You will advance your life.

Be a treasure hunter in life; the rewards are great.

Copyright 2009 David J. Pollay

Invite your family and friends to join you

If you want your family, friends, and colleagues to join us on our Monday Morning Momentum™ journey, send this post along to them. 

Have a great week! 

Best to you,

David

---------------------------------------------------------

Sign up

And remember you can sign up for my newsletter, Momentum Minutes™, right here.

---------------------------------------------------------

David J. Pollay is the creator of The Law of the Garbage Truck™.  He is a syndicated columnist with the North Star Writers Group, creator and host of The Happiness Answer™ television program, and an internationally sought after speaker.  David’s book, The Law of the Garbage Truck™, is due out this summer.  You can find out about the No Garbage Trucks! mission at www.bewareofgarbagetrucks.com.

David is the founder and president of the consulting and seminar organization, The Momentum Project.  He is also a founding associate executive director of the International Positive Psychology Association (IPPA).  If you want to reprint one of David’s columns, email [email protected].  Here’s David’s full bio. 

 

You can sign up for David’s MO Minutes Newsletter here.

The Power of Your “Love Example”

Monday Morning Momentum™

Have you thought about what your love looks like? 

Is it warm?  Is it kind?  Is it accepting?  Is it passionate?  Is it committed?

I learned many years ago that the love we show is the love we teach.  “They do not love that do not show their love,” wrote Shakespeare.  Our loved ones learn through our example. 

Fourteen years ago, just off a rural road in Maine, I saw the power of love.

My dad pulled our car to the side of the country road.  There were no other cars.  The sun was shining.  The wind was blowing gently. 

We stepped out of the car and walked on the gravel towards the cemetery.  Mom, Dad, and I came to visit the gravesites of my grandparents.  Mom’s parents were buried in the cemetery nestled among small, family farms. 

Mom and Dad walked hand in hand as we approached the family plot.  We were the only ones there.

The cemetery was surrounded by an old rock wall hugged by lilac bushes, and framed by maple, pine, and oak trees.  For over two centuries the graveyard had been the final home of many of our relatives.  As we walked slowly on the recently cut grass, I read the names etched into the tombstones I passed.  I wondered how many of these people my grandparents had known.  We arrived at the foot of my grandparents resting place.

My grandmother had passed first, so she was buried in the family plot to the left.  Next to her was my grandfather; he passed away twelve years later.  And between my grandfather’s plot and the grave site of someone we did not know, there was a small patch of grass.

Pointing to it, Mom said, “That was for me.”

Dad and I looked down at the ground.  There was just enough room for one more plot.

Mom said softly, “My parents wanted to make sure that I was near them if I didn’t marry.”

Dad and I looked at Mom.

Uncertain, I asked, “Do you want to be buried here?”

Mom hesitated.  “There’s not a place for your father,” she said.  “I would not want to be without him.”

I looked at Dad.  He was staring straight ahead.

Dad put his arm around Mom, and pulled her into him.  He kissed her on the top of her head. “I will always be with you,” he said. 

He looked at her.  “If there’s only one plot, it will be for you.  Our boys will just have to lay my ashes around you.”

Dad held Mom in his arms.  I looked down at the open spot of grass.  Mom and Dad reached out to me.    

Emily Dickinson reminds us, “Unable are the Loved ones to die / For Love is Immortality.”  The example of my parents’ love will be with me always.  In his book, Spiritual Evolution, Harvard research psychiatrist George Vaillant, wrote:  “Love, like the sacred and our image of God, has a timeless quality.” 

That day, just off that rural road in Maine, I saw how much my parents loved each other. 

Every day we have an opportunity to demonstrate our love to the most important people in our lives. 

So, what is your love example?

 

Copyright 2009 David J. Pollay

Invite your family and friends to join you

If you want your family, friends, and colleagues to join us on our Monday Morning Momentum™ journey, send this post along to them. 

Have a great week! 

Best to you,

David

---------------------------------------------------------

Sign up

And remember you can sign up for my newsletter, Momentum Minutes™, right here.

---------------------------------------------------------

David J. Pollay is the creator of The Law of the Garbage Truck™.  He is a syndicated columnist with the North Star Writers Group, creator and host of The Happiness Answer™ television program, and an internationally sought after speaker.  David’s book, The Law of the Garbage Truck™, is due out this summer.  You can find out about the No Garbage Trucks! mission at www.bewareofgarbagetrucks.com.

David is the founder and president of the consulting and seminar organization, The Momentum Project.  He is also a founding associate executive director of the International Positive Psychology Association (IPPA).  If you want to reprint one of David’s columns, email [email protected].  Here’s David’s full bio. 

You can sign up for David’s MO Minutes Newsletter here.